Wednesday, June 10, 2009


The roommate interview process does not just produce deception but seems almost deliberately designed to produce it, perhaps the most intentionally mendacious process, outside of course the Craigslist personals ad. Consider the conversation I had earlier today with the potential Roommate (pR):

Pat: I'm clean, neat, considerate, usually away during the daytime due to my intense and well-paying job, and I just love what you've done with the place!

pR: Wow, that's terrific. There were a lot of great candidates, but I've picked you to be my new roommate!

Pat: Great! I heartily accept!

pR: Just a few more things you need to know; the trash gets picked up on Tuesdays, it'll be at least a week until you have your own mail key, and the downstairs neighbors have a young child and would appreciate it if you could be quiet late at night.

Pat: And there's just a few more things you need to know about me. I'm actually unemployed; I don't like to towel dry and instead drip naked from the shower to my bedroom; and the reason I'm even here is that I'm fleeing a prosecution for sexual assault.

pR: Oh, no.

Pat: Oh, and the complainant wasn't lying; I totally raped her.

pR: That's... that's awful.

Pat: Hey, what can I say? I'm a rapist. Also, I'm on fire right now. I've just ignited your sofa.

Fun times! In reality, The Roommate is incredibly nice and sweet and I'm far too fortunate that she picked me to live with her. She's what you'd call a Real Grownup, or perhaps Not a Complete Fucking Embarrassment of an Ivy League Education, depending on if you're from the coast of Maine, what with a real job and friends and a bicycle and she knows the names of places in the city where she lives (imagine that!).

I, on the other hand, have a real nice blender, almost criminally nice, actually, stored somewhere in a suburban office park in the Midatlantic states, along with a perfectly decent sofa combo and a kitchen knife with Japanese writing on the side of it. She should expect to be reminded of that if she ever gets too big a head.


  1. is that the same knife we bought together in Williams-Sonoma?? I do love my Global and use it every day tho now that I'm unemployed, I think of it as one of my more extravagant purchases...

  2. Holy shit a comment! Sorry I'm only noticing it now---but yes, it's the one we looked at, but I think I didn't get one that day and we ultimately got different ones. The Shun, the one forged out of a single piece of steel in a dragon-infested volcano, with rivulets along the side and Chinese characters spelling out its trademark---I love that knife.